Tonight, I write, not because I have the energy to...but because I don't have the energy to do anything else. My 3 year old has officially dropped his blessed nap meaning this mama is getting a taste of what many of you other stalwart mamas have been experiencing for much longer than I...the endurance factor.
The days run into nights run back into days and I find myself somewhere in between practically all the time. I am rarely fully asleep or fully awake. I'm coherent enough to have a conversation and even laugh about the daily struggles while revelling in the daily snuggles - and believe me - those snuggles keep me going, however experience has taught me I MUST conserve my energy and I MUST mind the gap. You know, like the British train system or any train/subway system for that matter where passengers are constantly reminded to "Mind the Gap" before boarding.
The gap I MUST mind is my own. I'm referring to the gap between the energy needed to parent well and the energy this parent has welling up...or should I say not welling up. Left to myself, there are little reserves of energy to well up at the end of the day. Despite the amazing giggles and cuddles, this parenting gig is no cup-a-tea...at least not for me.
Hilarious at times...yes!
but cup-a-tea...not so much.
On days like today, I am reminded there is a very definitive gap between my mother's heart and my Father's heart. One seeks endless, limitless love only to be met with endless limits and irritants throughout the day (not my proudest moment to admit this) while the other is THE SOURCE of endless, limitless love.
I know this to be true, because I feel that love permeating my very being as I write. A love that says, "I see your heart. I know you love your kids. I also know you struggle daily on many fronts...but my dear child, I chose you for this role. You are my Beloved. You are enough! I AM enough. When you are weak, I AM strong. When the days feel long, I AM right by your side...present through every joy and every sigh. I AM your saving grace and I AM for you and for your family. Lean into me. I AM here. I AM."
And just like that, at the end of each day (whether it went smoothly or was a total train wreck), I can sense the resolve in my heart to keep on keeping on. A strength that is not my own wells up within in preparation for a new day and a new start. As I put my kids to bed and pray over them with my final ounce of energy, I feel as though, I too, am being covered in prayer and filled back up!
So what does this tired mama do now that her kids are both sleeping and her heart is filled? She fills a cup-a-tea and then pours out the love she has received hoping it may encourage another tired mama to mind the gap and give herself grace knowing our Father's heart is for our mother's heart!
"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” ~ Deuteronomy 33:12 ~
Other related verses:
2 Corinthians 12:9